The White Tower, Tower Hill, London – Picture this… you’re on your way to WTM, South African passport in hand, when a burly immigration official pounces on you and clasps you in irons. Before you know where you are you are cast down for being a threat to England’s burgeoning economy, an interloper in pursuit of a job earning the mighty pound outside the ambit of the Youth Mobility Scheme.
You are dragged to the Bloody Tower through the infamous Traitor’s Gate where you are thrown in the deepest, darkest dungeon, awaiting deportation, or worse – an extended stay at Her Majesty’s pleasure.
You try to plead, at first in English, then in Zulu, and finally, out of sheer desperation, you let loose a string of superlatives in Afrikaans. All of which is lost on the Hungarian guard outside the dungeon door, and the Polish customs officer coming to give you a complete strip-down search.
You go to court, escorted by Pakistani policemen, to plead your case and beg the Ukrainian judge to allow you a phone call home.
Finally, after a thorough dressing down, a Bangladeshi taxi driver takes you back to the airport, where a Russian check-in assistant issues you your boarding pass for the flight back to The Rainbow Nation…
As you go through emigration, the Iranian official checks your deportation order and admonishes you for not having the correct papers…
“Nechst time, joo must haff ze schtamp from ze high commishun… we don’t want joo Sarf Ifrikans here in our Ingelund…”
Yes dear. It sounds a bit barmy, doesn’t it, but truth is stranger than fiction. South Africa is in England’s bad books for “allowing” too many of its nationals to work illegally in a country gone mad on political correctness.
And flooded with so many “foreigners” that in certain cities road signs are now duplicated in Polish!
The fact that South Africa’s visa status for short-term visits to England is “safe for now” – the words of Aspara McNaught, a spokesperson for the British High Commission – is not lost on this one, ex pom, South African.
So what if England’s immigration policies are undergoing a huge reshuffle – the biggest for 45 years? The damage is already done, dear. And dusted. And let me tell you one of the biggest reasons why England doesn’t want young South Africans going there on gap years to work… Because we work too damned hard and make the locals (well, what locals there are left) look bad.
In the time it takes a lazy pom to sit on his or her lardy bum while waiting for the green light from the Department of Health and Safety to climb a ladder and change a light bulb, the average South African has rewired the entire lighting system.
Believe me, if England introduces visa fees for holidaymakers, then who will care? Not I, for one. I hate the place with a passion. It’s so far removed from the country I grew up in that I swear I was born in a different place entirely.
Do I feel enmity towards the South Africans in Blighty trying to earn an honest pound? No, I feel pitty. They have to deal with the Nanny State each and every day and all of the stupid rules and regulations which have strangled what little life the British had left in them.
And now, they are more Eastern European than they are English… In some schools in the East End of London Urdu is a first language. And immigrants from all corners of the European Union are given welfare, housing and free health.
But Lord forbid that a South African should darken their doors with something that the Brits lost somewhere along the way – a positive work ethic.
My advice to the powers that be here in Sunny SA? If England imposes visa fees on South African citizens visiting that grey and dismal land, then smile sweetly, and resist the urge to reciprocate.
Why? Because we are better than they are in every way, shape and form.
South Africa, at its very worst, is at least 100 times better than England. And it’s not the sunshine, and pleasant climate that puts us streets ahead of the whining, whingeing poms – its our attitude.
We love life and can still find something to laugh about, even in our darkest hour, when Eskom has pulled the plug and petrol hits R10 to the litre.
The Gautrain might be making big holes in the middle of Rosebank and Zuma may be spending his ill-gotten gains, fathering more children by more women than China has grains of rice – we South Africans see the funny side of life, and lift up our faces to the big, beautiful sky and laugh.
So, Poms, bring on your visa charges. I don’t want to visit your crummy country anyway – I’ve had more than enough for one lifetime, thank you.
Blogger Sharon van Wyk
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Brilliant article. Enjoyed it great deal.proudly south african.alive with possibilities.
Brilliant article. Enjoyed it great deal.proudly south african.alive with possibilities.
What a load of bull****
I understand some of the frustrations, which occur worldwide not just in the UK but I think you should look in your own backyard and South African inefficiency, paperwork and human rights, before you start having a go elsewhere.
And the point about South africans working harder than anyone else, don't make me laugh!!! Of course they finsh quicker than others mainly because they are always looking to cut corners and never get it right first time. If you average South african rewired the entire lighting system, he would be finshed by lunchtime, skive off to the beach to show his abs and the faulty wiring left behind would kill everyone.
You tried to be funny and failed, stick to writing about your extraordinary life whilst I fall asleep.
What a load of bull****
I understand some of the frustrations, which occur worldwide not just in the UK but I think you should look in your own backyard and South African inefficiency, paperwork and human rights, before you start having a go elsewhere.
And the point about South africans working harder than anyone else, don’t make me laugh!!! Of course they finsh quicker than others mainly because they are always looking to cut corners and never get it right first time. If you average South african rewired the entire lighting system, he would be finshed by lunchtime, skive off to the beach to show his abs and the faulty wiring left behind would kill everyone.
You tried to be funny and failed, stick to writing about your extraordinary life whilst I fall asleep.
Well that was a rampage.
As a South African, now living in the uk for the past 13 years I have a few words for you.
Yes I agree with the work ethic, if I come across a South African he generally gets hired by me. Yes I agree with your comments about the immagration policies of the Uk.
What I dont agree with is the sunny side to South Africa. I now live in a beautiful rural village, with no bars on the windows, no gunshots and no 55 murders a day!
I run and own the largest Chef recruitment site in europe, "without partners" imposed on me by a government, I can bank anywhere in the world and walk down the road without fear.
Maybe youre just pissed that you never managed to get out in time, that you were writing this article with a 9mm next to you, powered up by a generator.
The world offers so much more, than south africa can offer you.
Well that was a rampage.
As a South African, now living in the uk for the past 13 years I have a few words for you.
Yes I agree with the work ethic, if I come across a South African he generally gets hired by me. Yes I agree with your comments about the immagration policies of the Uk.
What I dont agree with is the sunny side to South Africa. I now live in a beautiful rural village, with no bars on the windows, no gunshots and no 55 murders a day!
I run and own the largest Chef recruitment site in europe, “without partners” imposed on me by a government, I can bank anywhere in the world and walk down the road without fear.
Maybe youre just pissed that you never managed to get out in time, that you were writing this article with a 9mm next to you, powered up by a generator.
The world offers so much more, than south africa can offer you.
In order to address the imbalances of the past, something had to be done, in this case affirmative action…imposing partners or whatever you care to call it, is correcting the wrongs of the past.
South Africa has a very cruel past which only benefited a few minority and that could not be left unattended forever.
Forcing 'you' and others into accepting partners is by its nature ensuring the majority of the citizens are not only employees, but also own a piece of the pie. Surely the black population cannot just to second class citizens in their own country forever.
Once you're back in the country, spend a day/night in any township or give a dam thought to the domestic worker cleaning your house, ask her how many mouths she has to feed with the lousy slave wage you pass her each month.
Our history has done a huge amount of damage to the majority citizens of this country. If from day one, equal opportunities were provided to all the citizens, crime which is the order of the day today, would never be a concern to all of us…it doesn't only affect a particular race, but all.
If you're a true patriot, you would be fighting your battles here at home and not shouting from the fence…
What was the whole purpose of bantu education? Breeding a below average black population that would be comfortable with being the servant of the white race and not aim to achieve anything more than that, surely that is not a sustainable future….where only a white man will lead a comfortable lifestyle.
I'm a product of a township and have never felt any pride into being a township resident, that was forced into us in order to achieve a certain goal.
.-= Muzi Mohale´s last blog ..HICA 2009 confirms reputable speaker line-up =-.
In order to address the imbalances of the past, something had to be done, in this case affirmative action…imposing partners or whatever you care to call it, is correcting the wrongs of the past.
South Africa has a very cruel past which only benefited a few minority and that could not be left unattended forever.
Forcing ‘you’ and others into accepting partners is by its nature ensuring the majority of the citizens are not only employees, but also own a piece of the pie. Surely the black population cannot just to second class citizens in their own country forever.
Once you’re back in the country, spend a day/night in any township or give a dam thought to the domestic worker cleaning your house, ask her how many mouths she has to feed with the lousy slave wage you pass her each month.
Our history has done a huge amount of damage to the majority citizens of this country. If from day one, equal opportunities were provided to all the citizens, crime which is the order of the day today, would never be a concern to all of us…it doesn’t only affect a particular race, but all.
If you’re a true patriot, you would be fighting your battles here at home and not shouting from the fence…
What was the whole purpose of bantu education? Breeding a below average black population that would be comfortable with being the servant of the white race and not aim to achieve anything more than that, surely that is not a sustainable future….where only a white man will lead a comfortable lifestyle.
I’m a product of a township and have never felt any pride into being a township resident, that was forced into us in order to achieve a certain goal.
.-= Muzi Mohale´s last blog ..HICA 2009 confirms reputable speaker line-up =-.
For someone who claims to be part of a nation that can see the 'positive side of things' compared to those 'whinging poms', you seem to be whinging quite a lot and have a particularly bad attitude.
Maybe you need to work on the South African 'attitude'.
And what school has Urdu as its first languge- are you stupid or just bitter?
For someone who claims to be part of a nation that can see the ‘positive side of things’ compared to those ‘whinging poms’, you seem to be whinging quite a lot and have a particularly bad attitude.
Maybe you need to work on the South African ‘attitude’.
And what school has Urdu as its first languge- are you stupid or just bitter?
Great article and you nailed it on the head. I know a South African who right now has been waiting many months to get his citizenship, and along with it a full work visa, despite having been married to a UK citizen for 5 years.
At the same time, some parts of England are virtually sinking from the deluge of immigrants from Eastern Europe, and YES many signs over here are now in both English and Polish.
.-= Tony´s last blog ..Our Christmas Trip Is Finally Coming Together =-.
Great article and you nailed it on the head. I know a South African who right now has been waiting many months to get his citizenship, and along with it a full work visa, despite having been married to a UK citizen for 5 years.
At the same time, some parts of England are virtually sinking from the deluge of immigrants from Eastern Europe, and YES many signs over here are now in both English and Polish.
.-= Tony´s last blog ..Our Christmas Trip Is Finally Coming Together =-.